Struggles

So normally I talk about my son a lot but for this post, I would like to talk about my daughter.

She was diagnosed with ASD just over a year ago. It came as a surprise o us but then it also made a lot of sense once we started thinking about things that had transpired growing up.

It was a shock for her but also a sense of relief that some of the things that had happened to her and continue to happen finally made sense.

Last night I was in the hospital emergency room with her late into the night. It was her second time that day she was there. As I sat beside her waiting, I looked over at her and I got tears in my eyes because I felt so bad at what she was going through. She was having severe muscle spasms in her neck area. This was happening beyond her control which is why we we there. It was disturbing to watch and even harder as I knew how badly this was affecting her. I knew this was from medication as this had happened with our son many years earlier with one type of medication he was on.

As I sat there, I wondered if she ever felt cheated – cheated of attention, cheated of her diagnosis, cheated of what should have been put in place for her to cope many years earlier.

I already knew the answer to the questions because she’s made it very clear more than once that she didn’t get attention, that she didn’t have a childhood, as well as many other things that I won’t get into. Is she right? Yes and no.

Yes, because if I was in her shoes I would probably have some of the same feelings she did and no because I didn’t know what was going on.

Do I wish it was better that I could have done more? Yes, every day I wish that I only knew what was happening.

II realize though that there is absolutely nothing I can do about what happened and what did not happen. I can only move forward and try to do my very best to ensure she is cared for, has the supports in place that she needs and help her navigate through difficult moments.

Being on the spectrum can be challenging and it is hard at times, especially for her.

As I sat in the emergency room, I listed to her explaining all her diagnosis as I held the bag with all her meds and I was glad that I was there to help her in this moment no matter what happened in the past.

When she finally go a shot that help stop the spasms, I waited for it to take effect, I soon became relieved when the spasms stopped and I was able to see that her body was able to relax.

I realized how hard just getting through some days is for her and I really admire her strength and dedication to getting well both physically and mentally.

I’m thankful for these quiet moments I have with her.